I finished a book a few weeks ago where the protagonist wakes up one day and has no idea who he is. He sits up on his bedroom floor and doesn't have a single memory of himself. His name is gone. He doesn't know where he is. He can quote lines from a movie that was supposedly his favorite but is unable to say when the last time he watched it was.
It takes him some time, but eventually, he creates a whole new person for himself. New favorite movies. New favorite TV shows. New favorite books. A new job.
It's a phenomenon that is hard to explain - hard to wrap your head around, but somehow, I envied him for it. As I read this book I looked around at my own life and thought about how different it could be. What if I finished college? What if I never left Indiana? What if these people were still my friends and what if I never ended that relationship?
If I had the chance to recreate myself from scratch, would I still be the same person that I am today?
I don't know what I need from this life. I don't know what it is that will complete me as a person. I do know that the past eight months I have struggled more than I have my entire life. In that same eight months I have grown tremendously, and in that growth, I have found piles of doubt.
Am I in the right city? The right career? Is this worth constantly being away from family? Feeling like I will never be able to settle down? Constantly feeling lonely. I can no longer say that it's worth it, but I'm not ready to give it up quite yet.
Instead, I am changing it. Two months ago I put in a transfer to be based in New York. Denver was a wonderful break from the big city, but it's not where I belong. So come June, I will, once again, be based out of and living in the New York area.
I know that I started in New York and left. But I think it was for all the wrong reasons. I didn't give it a fair shot. I was sad, and I thought that something new would make that better, but whether you're in New York or Denver or Indiana, your demons are still your demons. And I need to face them head on.
Besides that, I miss flying internationally. I miss buying a ticket to a Broadway show a few hours before the curtain goes up. I miss Manhattan in the fall. I miss fighting to catch a taxi. I miss having things to write about. I miss watching movies and drinking cheap wine with my closest friends.
I know that I haven't been posting a lot. I needed a hiatus to work on myself, but I am figuring it out, and I am back. Over the next few weeks I have some posts in my queue that I am excited too share with all of you. About my move, my travels, my book, my life in general.
So keep a look out for new posts.
Purchase your copy of the book The Raw Shark Texts: A Novel here.
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A little over a year ago I made the bold (and crazy) decision to drop out of school, quit my job and move across the country to start my life as a cabin crew member. With my suit freshly pressed and my shiny wings pinned to my heart, I was ready to take on the world. ....read more.
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